My Struggle

To know you, God, and fear you. To understand “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty”. To see your majesty and understand how great you really are. To desire to bow down before you and be in the presence of the mighty God. Open the eyes of my heart! Save me from my self-righteousness. May I understand the sacrifice and gift of the cross. May I not let the fear of my calling stop me from stepping out in faith. May my life be fully surrendered to your will, Lord. May my every thought and action bring you glory. Help me God! I’m weak and I’m not very smart. Father, I’d like to say that from this moment forward I’m committing my whole being to you, but I know that my heart is deceitful, the pursuit of other loves has crippled my relationship with you. How I long to rid myself of these competing desires. How I long to be single-minded in my pursuit of You. Will I ever see Your Truth in such a way that it consumes me?

I’m my biggest enemy. I don’t have character, my backbone is weak. Standing on truth verbally is a challenge but is much easier than standing on truth in my mind and heart when I’m alone. This challenge is overwhelming at times and I wonder how I can call myself a Christian. Living in the spirit, purity, holiness, truth, righteousness, these are the things I want my life to be about—when I’m alone. When my thoughts are free to pursue what’s on my heart. I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of claiming your grace and continually going back to this horrible thought life. Father, change my heart, break me, mold me into your man! I want to fellowship in the sufferings of Jesus, I want to know you deeply and intimately, I want my life to be an outpouring of our close and personal relationship, I want my heart to burn with passion for your truth. I don’t want to live a life of compromise. I want my wife and kids to see Jesus in me and fall in love with you because they want what I have. Forgive me father. Thank you for loving me as your son!
Amen.